The past couple of days have left me so tired. Physically, emotionally, mentally, I am worn out. I tried to write yesterday, but I know it would have been marginally gibberish. Rather than subject those who do actually read what I share to such a mess, I opted to share a few photos instead. Now, I am sitting here sipping hot herbal tea and struggling to get the thoughts straight in my head.
There are times when I feel very guilty that I am not holding down a paying job. I was not planning on taking my retirement so early. My plans were to work as long as I was physically able. Why not? My husband had died so there would be no buying a recreational vehicle and traveling across the country. There would be no long nights sitting on the porch watching lightening bugs and listening to the wind chimes while sipping hot coffee. . That was all gone in a moment. Since his death left me deep in debt, working until I couldn’t work any longer seemed fitting. Then all the nightmare of the past couple years happened and I found myself jobless. I had worked since I was sixteen, and now I wasn’t. For the most part, the understanding that this status of unemployment was and is a blessing usually calms those feelings of guilt. Then something like the home repairs that are needed bring them right back to the forefront of my thoughts.
I do know, that if my husband were still alive, days such as those that have happened this week, would have been many times more difficult than they were. He was very jealous of attention given to others, even as he loved my parents, he wanted the attention. That would have been very difficult this week.
Tuesday I woke and got moving early. By 7:30 we were taking mom’s dog to the groomers. At 11:15 I was taking mom to the doctor for a follow up visit. Leaving there we went and picked up her dog. Getting her and the dog home, I made a run to the store to pick up a few things and her medicine.
Wednesday was back to the store for forgotten items.
>Thursday morning, I went to the bank. I cashed a check for mom and then made a deposit. Leaving the bank I went to a nearby KFC to pick up a meal for my folks. Then.. I really need to have stock in the grocery store. I had forgotten, again, to get some of the microwave dishes that my son eats for breakfast and also a vitamin that my dog needs. My mother then asks if I would pick up a couple things for her. I find everything and head home. I get a mile from the house for my mother to call me and ask if I were still there as dad..I turn around and go back as it was an over the counter medicine he was out of. After checking out, instead of heading home I decided to run by the dealership where I purchased my Jeep to check on progress over my radio claim. The screen now doesn’t work, it has very colorful lines, then goes black. It now is mostly black most of the time. Supposedly they’re on it. It was difficult getting into the dealership as the interstate was once again having issues and the overflow was definitely showing on the main road. I knew when I left the dealership I was going to go an alternate route.
Today, I had planned on going nowhere until late this afternoon. But, mom needed a few things from, yep, the grocery store. So, off we went. We managed to find everything she needed. Several times I left her standing while I hurried down this or that aisle to fetch what she wanted. Getting her back home, I carried everything she purchased inside and put most of it away. I went home and waited for the time to call in an order for the meal dad wanted. Figuring what the heck, I placed a carry out order as well. Going after it, thankfully it was ready and waiting. I got that the them, and took myself home.
Now, in between these things, every two hours I’m down there to walk the dog and make sure if they have a fire, that they have firewood. I try to make sure mom is getting rest and that they are safe. Trying to help dad remember that mom doesn’t feel good so she is not in the best of moods. Leave her be. What ever they need.
<“>Now, do I think I am someone special for doing this? No. No, I do not. I am a daughter doing the best I am able to take care of the people who took care of me. I am doing the best I am able, to see that they have their needs met. That if I can make things easier, I will. It is a responsibility that I try to fulfill with all humility. Though it is tiresome. My mother keeps apologizing even as I try to tell her that helping her is my honor and blessing. Even as I do not tell her, there are those times, when the emotions that come with this, are hard.
I feel that I am failing, when emotions run high. As much as I do, I feel that I should be doing more. I grow annoyed at myself when I roll my eyes about it being time again to go walk the dog. In the cold, or rain, or dark. It frightens me when I see my mother so desperately tired or when dad can’t hear something I say. I know, that we are greatly blessed that they are still here with us and that I am greatly blessed to be able to be here for them. I fear the day when they are called home, but until that day, I will continue to do everything I can for them. I will be their Uber driver. I will be the personal assistant, making appointments and running errands. I will walk the dog, change light bulbs, bring in firewood and what ever else needs doing. All the while, I will be praying constantly for them and for me to have the strength needed.
During the night, I will try and rest. Because sometimes, I just get so tired. Sometimes, I feel so alone, so weak.. So while I rest, I will offer the prayers as I sit quietly. Allowing everything that is tired these moments of peace. Tomorrow, should it come, it all begins again. Again, I will be grateful for this gift of time.